Being Home

The forests around Libby, Montana are on fire. Glacier National Park is on fire. California is on fire. A lot of places are on fire. Seems fitting somehow. When I left Montana a year ago today, actually a year ago yesterday, Montana was on fire. However, a lot of things are also different. Before I left, things were as they were. After I left, over the course of the year, four of my family members died, one that I didn't actually know, and a few family friends died, some of my friends had children, I don't think anyone got married, but I could be forgetting, and my Mom got cancer. So things are a little bit different around here. I have also returned to work at McDonald's since I've been back, and there are a few differences there too. I am glad to be home, but I also miss England, and I miss my UK YAGM cohort. I feel like my heart is in three pieces. One piece is here, another piece is in England, and the third is actually split into 10 smaller pieces, and is in various places around the country, with the friends who I was with in the United Kingdom this year. It's hard to sum up my year in just a few sentences. I have so many stories to tell, and I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of them. Total travel time to get home, including the drive to the airport in Manchester, flight time, waiting in airports, and the drive home, was 29 1/2 hours, and that's including a 10 1/2 hour flight from Munich, Germany, to Denver, CO. I actually got really sick after I got off the plane in Denver. Was not fun. Had fun killing 6 hours in the Denver airport though. I was ready to be home, but also not. It would just be nice to have everyone I love in one place. Now I am home, and sometimes I have been getting a lot of headaches and dealing with nausea. I think it's because of all the smoke in the air, so I'll just have to deal until the fires are out. Work is always interesting, gives me something to do and a reason to get up in the morning, and that is currently my life. I'm hoping that at least most of the UK YAGMs will get to reunite at our re-entry retreat in October, so that will be nice. I do miss England, but at the same time, I am glad to be home.

All the Feelings.....

I am heading to the airport in a few hours. The last time I was at the Manchester airport was almost 11 months ago. I am leaving here just a day shy of 11 months after I got here. I have been saying goodbye to people for a few weeks now, starting with the University students that come to church, I said goodbye to them in June, and then saying goodbye to two members of my YAGM cohort, Heath and Danielle, at the end of June, after our YAGM retreat at Seahouses in Northumberland. Also said goodbye to Matt, our country coordinator, and Fiona-Jane on that same day. Then saying goodbye to most of the rest of my YAGM cohort after we spent a weekend together in Edinburgh. Then saying goodbye to various people at church who wouldn't be around today, Wednesday evening I spent with my friend Jo, and then on Thursday, saying goodbye to the children and staff at St. John's school, where I have been working on Thursdays this year. Then on Saturday, said goodbye to the only member of my YAGM cohort who I had not yet said goodbye to in person yet, Grace. I wasn't sure I was going to get to say goodbye to her person, and if I hadn't missed my train to Stonehenge I would not have had the chance, so I guess sometimes things work out for the best. That was my hardest goodbye though. And then today, I had to say goodbye to the people at the church, and then one more goodbye in the morning when I get dropped off at the airport. I have this thing about proper goodbyes. I like closure. It's important to me. I'm not really sure where it stems from, but, it is what it is. 

The last few days, I have been thinking a lot. Like yesterday was the last time I would take a bus anywhere. Friday was the last time I would see a movie in a theater here. Today was the last time I would walk to church and walk home from church. Walking around in the center of Manchester the other day, I thought about the 9 hour adventure that Allison took Grace and I on in September. I thought about "Silent Travels with Grace." I thought about the retreats in Leeds, Cliff College, Wales, High Leigh, and Seahouses. I thought about Manchester Thanksgiving the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. I thought about New Year's weekend in London. I thought about Edinburgh. I thought about the night I went clubbing with some of my friends from church. I thought about knitting on retreats and at other times throughout the year. I thought about all the times I felt genuinely heard this year. I thought about the time I went to the zoo for my birthday and saw penguins and got screamed at by lemurs. All the times I made fun of Alan the Churchwarden. Learning how to navigate The Tube in London. Learning how to navigate trains. Living with my Nuns. Bonding with them, growing to love them. Visiting them in Derby (pronounced Darby) after they moved there. Dealing with literal ghosts, getting used to living alone, dealing with a loved one's illness from thousands of miles away, and voicing and wrestling with my own demons and hangups, and things. 

I've changed a bit this year, but I'm still mostly the same. I'll miss England, but I'm looking forward to seeing everyone in the States. This next phase of life will be interesting and unpredictable, so just go with it. Thanks for following the adventure.

Coming Home

In two weeks, I’ll be coming home. I’m looking forward to coming home, I’m looking forward to seeing all of those that I haven’t seen or talked to in almost a year, and I’m looking forward to helping my Mom through everything that she’s going through. However, I am also very sad to be leaving England. I have met some wonderful people here, and made some good friends, and discovered some wonderful places. I’m not the same person that I was when I left. I’m more tolerant of some things, and less tolerant of other things. I might be distant and unfocused for a while. I might start crying for no (obvious) reason. My heart might be in pieces for a while. I’ll be feeling all kinds of feelings, but don’t feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me. It’s a time of transition, and I’ll get through it, eventually. However, here are some helpful tips that I took from a former YAGM who took it from the person who was the Country Coordinator in Mexico back then, to help make my transition back into your lives as smooth as possible for all of us.

10 Suggestions for Helping your Young Adults in Global Mission (YAGM) Return Home

1. Don’t ask the question, “So how was it?” Your YAGM cannot function in one-word answers right now, especially ones intended to sum up their entire year’s experience and being asked to do so may cause them to start laughing or crying uncontrollably.  Ask more specific questions, like “Who was your closest friend?” or “What did you do in your free time?” or “What was the food like?” or “Tell me about your typical day.”

2.  If you wish to spend time with your YAGM, let them take the lead on where to go and what to do.  Recognize that seemingly mundane rituals, like grocery shopping or going to the movies, may be extremely difficult for someone who has just spent a year living without a wide array of material
goods.  One former YAGM, for example, faced with the daunting task of choosing a tube of toothpaste from the 70-odd kinds available, simply threw up in the middle of the drugstore.
3.Expect some feelings of jealousy and resentment, especially if your YAGM lived with a host family.  Relationships that form during periods of uncertainty and vulnerability (the first few months in a foreign country, for example) form quickly and deeply.  The fact that your YAGM talks non-stop about their friends and family from their country of service doesn’t mean that they don’t love you too.  It simply means that they’re mourning the loss (at least in part) of the deep, meaningful, important relationships that helped them to survive and to thrive during this last year.  In this regard, treat them as you would anyone else mourning a loss.

4.  You may be horrified by the way your YAGM dresses; both because their clothes are old and raggedly and because they insist on wearing the same outfit three days in a row.  Upon encountering their closet at home, returning YAGMs tend to experience two different emotions:

(1) jubilation at the fact that they can stop rotating the same 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts, and

(2) dismay at the amount of clothing they own, and yet clearly lived without for an entire year.  Some YAGMs may deal with this by giving away entire car loads of clothing and other items to people in need.  Do not “save them from themselves” by offering to drive the items to the donation center, only to hide them away in your garage.  Let your YAGM do what they need to do.  Once they realize, after the fact, that you do indeed need more than 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts to function in professional American society, offer to take them shopping.  Start with the Goodwill and the Salvation Army; your YAGM may never be able to handle Macys again.

5.  Asking to see photos of your YAGMs year in service is highly recommended, providing you have an entire day off from work.  Multiply the number of photos you take during a week’s vacation, multiply that by 52, and you understand the predicament.  If you have an entire day, fine.  If not, take a cue from a number 1 above, and ask to see specific things, like photos of your YAGMs host family, or photos from holiday celebrations.  Better yet, set up a number of “photo dates,” and delve into a different section each time.  Given the high percentage of people whose eyes glaze over after the first page of someone else’s photos, and the frustration that can cause for someone bursting with stories to tell, this would be an incredible gift.

6.  At least half the things that come out of your YAGMs mouth for the first few months will begin with, “In Mexico/Slovakia/South Africa/United Kingdom, etc….” This will undoubtedly begin to annoy you after the first few weeks.  Actually saying so, however, will prove far less effective than listening and asking interested questions.  Besides, you can bet that someone else will let slip exactly what you’re thinking, letting you off the hook.

7.  That said, speak up when you need to!  Returning YAGMs commonly assume that almost nothing has changed in your lives since they left.  (This happens, in part, because you let them, figuring that their experiences are so much more exciting than yours, and therefore not sharing your own.)  Be assertive enough to create the space to share what has happened in your life during the last year.

8.  Recognize that living in a very simple environment with very few material belongings changes people.  Don’t take it personally if your YAGM seems horrified by certain aspects of the way you live – that you shower every day, for example, or that you buy a new radio instead of duct-taping the broken one back together.  Recognize that there probably are certain things you could or should change (you don’t really need to leave the water running while you brush your teeth, do you?), but also that adjusting to what may now feel incredibly extravagant will simple take awhile.  Most YAGMs make permanent changes toward a simpler lifestyle.  Recognize this as a good thing.

9.  Perhaps you had hopes, dreams, and aspirations for your YAGM that were interrupted by their year of service.  If so, you may as well throw them out the window.  A large percentage of returning YAGMs make significant changes to their long-term goals and plans.  Some of them have spent a year doing something they never thought they’d enjoy, only to find themselves drawn to it as a career.  Others have spent a year doing exactly what they envisioned doing for the rest of their lives, only to find that they hate it. One YAGM spent a year working in a church, and decided that what she really wants to do is open a bookstore. Regardless of the direction your YAGM takes when they return…rejoice!  This year hasn’t changed who they are; it has simply made them better at discerning God’s call on their lives. (Note:  Some YAGMs spend their year of service teaching English, some are involved in human rights advocacy, others work with the elderly or disabled, and at least one learned how to deal with living with literal ghosts.  The results of this phenomenon, therefore, can vary widely.)

10.  Go easy on yourself, and go easy on your YAGM.  Understand that reverse culture shock is not an exact science, and manifests itself differently in each person.  Expect good days and bad days.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help (including of the pharmaceutical variety) if necessary.

Pray. Laugh. Cry. This too shall pass, and in the end, you’ll be the richer for it.

Thanks All, and I’ll see a lot of you in a few weeks.

Compassion

The Holocaust was 100% legal. So was the Trail of Tears. So was Segregation. So many of history's worst atrocities were 100% legal. Morality and legality do not always go hand in hand. I'm not sure when the idea of having compassion for other human beings who come from different backgrounds became taboo, but I think that the world would be way better if, as a whole, humans had more compassion for each other. This year, I've been working and worshipping in a church that has a lot of cultural diversity, and it has been one of the best experiences of my life. Despite the different backgrounds that we come from, we all have core things in common. We all have hopes, dreams, fears. I've been working a bit with some men this year who are learning English as a second language, and it is really hard to learn English. It's even been a bit of a challenge learning the differences between American English and British English.  Too much is currently happening in the world that breaks my heart, but I suppose the fact that it breaks my heart is better than allowing myself to become numb to it, because complacency is not an option. Dig deeper. Don't believe everything you're told. Do research, and form your own opinions. Trust your gut feeling, trust what you feel in your heart. If your heart feels like it's being crushed, don't ignore it. If something feels wrong to you, don't ignore that. This applies in many different situations. If someone has an opinion or a view on a thing that is different than yours, listen to it. Don't immediately get defensive. Don't automatically assume that the other person is wrong. Have compassion.

Loneliness, Ghosts, and Facing the Unknown

Yesterday my Nuns moved back to the Convent of the Holy Name in Derby (Pronounced Darby. British English does spelling weird sometimes.) We found out a couple of months ago that it was going to be happening, but it was still hard to say goodbye to them yesterday morning, even though I am going to go see them in Derby before I leave. It was hard to go back home last night, knowing that the house would be empty, knowing that neither one of my Nuns would not be in the kitchen cooking or otherwise puttering around when I got home, to ask me about my day, and commenting on how they think that I am overworked :) Knowing that they wouldn't be in the TV room, watching the news, or in the sitting room with visitors, or in their Chapel, praying, or wandering about upstairs in their rooms. It was lonely last night, and it was lonely this morning, when I was heading out the door and they weren't in their chapel praying, or sitting at the kitchen table telling me to have a good day as I grabbed an apple and ran out the door. I don't usually mind having alone time, being an introvert, I often need alone time after being around groups of people. However, it is nice knowing that other people are around, if I need them, or if they need me. There's a difference in being alone in your room, but sharing a house with other people, then there is in the aloneness that comes from being completely alone. However, I may or may not have mentioned before that there are ghosts that live in my house. Two of them, named Esther and Edna. I can't see them, but I hear them in the upstairs hallway, talking about matching hand towels, but last night, when I was getting ready for bed, I overheard a very different conversation between the two of them. At least, I'm pretty sure it was them. The voices sounded the same, but maybe there are other ghosts that I didn't notice before.

"The Sisters are gone." 
"Yes."
"That's sad. They were nice."
"Maybe we should work out moving on."
"Yes. When the girl goes, we'll go."

By the way, I think I'm the girl :) Anytime I've tried to engage them in conversation, including last night, I have gotten no response, which is sad, because I want to know more about them, such as, why they are in my upstairs hallway discussing the importance of matching hand towels all the time? I think the Sisters leaving caused a shift, or something, leading to this new conversation. We'll see what happens.

Also, in just less than six weeks. I will be flying home. In some areas, I know exactly what will be happening in my life. I have a pretty solid idea of where I will be working when I get home. I now know exactly what I want to do with my future. I know how I want to make it happen. However, there is one unknown variable. When I get home, I'll be helping my Mom in her fight against cancer. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, it's going to be different every day, I've never done this before, and I don't know what the outcome will be. Right now, being 4,000 and something miles away, it doesn't quite feel as real. But in a few weeks, I'm going to be thrown right into it, and it's going to be REAL, and I am not going to know exactly what to do. And that is a terrifying place. I'm probably going to be very vulnerable, which is still sometimes hard for me, but something I've been working on this year. So in that respect, I don't know what the next few months, or even years, are going to look like, but I am accepting the challenge. I'm just going to have to trust that, one way or another, we're all going to come out okay on the other side of this.

Manchester Remembers...

Manchester Remembers. It's a phrase I've seen a lot of today. It took a few minutes to click, but then I remembered. A year ago today, a terrorist set off a bomb in the Manchester Arena, killing himself and 22 others, as they were leaving an Ariana Grande concert. There were quite a few events around Manchester today in remembrance. I have lived in Manchester for almost 9 months now, and it is one of the most interesting and best places that I have ever lived. The people that I have met are wonderful, and I enjoy seeing the worker bee symbol, literally, everywhere. The worker bee symbol showed up during the Industrial Revolution in the 19th century, but since last year it has become a symbol for unity and strength. A year ago I didn't yet know that I would be living in Manchester. I knew I would be somewhere in The United Kingdom, but two days after the attack I found out that the church where I am working now wanted to interview me, and then in early June I got the official word. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the attack last year, it's hard losing loved ones in any circumstance, but I can't imagine the pain of losing someone to such a horrible act of violence. From what I have experienced, Manchester knows how to pull together, and I love it here, and it will be very hard to leave. Manchester Remembers, and I will remember Manchester.

Mary, the Mother of Jesus

Last night, May 6th, at St. Chrysostom's Church, we had an evening celebrating Mary, the Mother of Jesus. It was really interesting, because in the Lutheran church, we talk about Mary a bit, when the angel Gabriel comes to make his big life-altering announcement and then she's mentioned a few other times in the Gospels, but other than that, she pretty much fades into the background, so I've never really known a lot about her. In some Anglican churches here, Mary is a central figure, and in the church where I work, the month of May is referred to as Mary's month. Having an entire evening devoted to her was a new thing for me, but it was a lovely service, and I did get to hide behind the altar table and run the slideshow, and no one even knew I was back there until the end, when Father Ian, in his thank you's, announced that I had been the one running the slideshow :) So it was interesting to know why Mary is revered more in some denominations, and I'm glad I got to be a part of that.

Thoughts and Stuff

A year ago today, I had just found out that I was going to be serving in the United Kingdom this year, I had just officially met almost everyone in the YAGM United Kingdom group, and I was standing by a pond discussing The Chronicles of Narnia with Grace, who I had just met. It was our first conversation ever, and it was actually before either of us knew that we were both going to be living in Manchester this year. We then left the pond, got taken to whichever airport we were flying out of, I got on a plane back to Montana and started the process of trying to figure out what this year was going to mean for me, personally.

I'm not really sure when I decided that I was going to learn how to be more vulnerable this year, but that has been happening. Tomorrow marks eight months since I arrived here, and it's been great. I've made friends, and learned new things, and I've been opening up, mostly with my YAGM United Kingdom cohort, about things like depression and things. Homesickness has never really been an issue for me. I mean, sure, I miss the people and places that I am familiar with, but I know that I am going to see them again, and return to them eventually, so it's not a big issue. However, most of you know that my Mom has been recently diagnosed with cancer, so I am feeling kind of torn at the moment. I know that it's not practical to feel guilty, I know that she has a good support system at home and I know that I will be back home in three months from today, on July 23rd, but it is hard being so far away from home right now. But I have faith that everything is going to turn out okay. 

Vulnerability is an interesting experience. It's scary, and I still am not very good at it, in situations where I am supposed to share my feelings I am usually one of the last ones, if not THE last one to do so, but I also have less secrets, which is freeing. Going home is going to be interesting. I am the same in a lot of ways, but I am also different in a lot of ways, so we'll see how that plays out. A year ago today I could not even begin to imagine what my life here was going to look like, and here I am with three months left. So if you need be, I'll be over here in Manchester, keeping things interesting :) 

Easter

Easter is one of my favorite times of year. Jesus risen from the dead! We get to say "Alleluia!" again. We get to sing happy songs again. We get to do the things that we gave up for Lent again. And....chocolate for days! And bright colors. And flowers. And also bunnies. And spring time. Easter gives me hope. It's important. And Jesus rising from the dead is kind of a big deal :)

Jesus

I find Jesus fascinating. I find some of the things that some people do in the name of Christianity totally hypocritical. Jesus died for our sins. Jesus was friends with everyone. He was friends with tax collectors, and prostitutes, and other kinds of people. I can't say for sure, but I am pretty sure that Jesus wasn't caucasian, he was Jewish, and he was also like, "Love your neighbors as yourself." And I am pretty sure that referred to ALL the neighbors, not just "certain neighbors", but ALL the neighbors. I try to lead a life worthy of following Jesus. I fail more than I succeed, but someday, maybe, I'll get there.

Life

Life is a beautiful, chaotic mystery. It is amazing and sometimes it tears me apart. It is a contradiction. Sometimes it makes sense. Most of the time it doesn't make sense. There is a difference between living and existing. I choose to LIVE.

A Well-Read Woman is a Dangerous Creature

Reading is very important to me. I love reading books. All kinds of books. Fantasy. Sci-Fi. Historical Fiction. I'm not much for non-fiction, but sometimes I come across non-fiction that doesn't bore me. There are so many great books out there, and I am not sure I am going to live long enough to read all of the books on my list, but I'm going to try :)

"One must always be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us."-Cassandra Clare

"When Words Fail, Music Speaks"-Shakespeare

Music is incredibly important to my life. I don't usually talk about how important music is to my life, but I have playlists for pretty much everything. I love songs with meaningful lyrics. I like upbeat songs. Sad songs. Love songs. Songs about betrayal. Losing someone you love. Basically, anything. Music without words. Classical music. Celtic music has a certain pull on my heart. Music has been around forever. When I was growing up, there was a song that we used to sing in church sometimes, called "When Long before Time (The Singer and the Song)". When I was older, and finally got around to reading "The Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis, there was a section, in "The Magician's Nephew", when Aslan literally sang Narnia into existence, and when I was reading that, I immediately thought of "When Long before Time". I also love playing the piano, it is always calming to me. Music is relevant in all situations, and one of my favorite quotes, which, I don't know who to attribute it to, but it goes, "Music is life, that's why our hearts have beats."


 When Long before Time (The Singer and the Song)


1. When long before time and the worlds were begun,
when there was no earth and no sky and no sun,
and all was deep silence and night reigned supreme,
and even our Maker had only a dream...

2. ...the silence was broken when God sang the Song,
and light pierced the darkness and rhythm began,
and with its first birthcries creation was born,
and creaturely voices sang praise to the morn.

3. The sounds of the creatures were one with their Lord's,
their harmonies sweet and befitting the Word;
the Singer was pleased as the earth sang the song;
the choir of the creatures reechoed it long.

4. Though, down through the ages, the Song disappeared,
its harmonies broken and almost unheard,
the Singer comes to us to sing it again:
our God is with us in the world now as then.

5. The Light has returned as it came once before;
the Song of the Lord is our own song once more;
so let us all sing with one heart and one voice
the song of the Singer in whom we rejoice.

6. To you, God the Singer, our voices we raise;
to you, Song Incarnate, we give all our praise;
to you, Holy Spirit, our life and our breath,
be glory forever, through life and through death.

Sami

I have known my other friend Sami since sometime in high school. We had some classes together, and we became friends. We didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school, but one day I did spend most of a day at her house. We haven't seen each other since high school, but we still talk on Facebook quite a bit, and we WILL see each other again someday.

Amy Petersen and How to Deal with Having to Put up with the Same Sassy Child in Sunday-School for, like, 5 years in a Row....

I have known Amy for most of my life, and she put up with teaching me, and the rest of my age group, in Sunday School for, I'm pretty sure it was 5 years in a row. I am impressed that she managed to survive that. She is a lawyer, and in Sunday School in the 5th grade, she made us do a mock trial, but I don't remember what Bible lesson we were doing in which a mock trial was relevant. Anyways, I was the defendant, but it turned out that someone else was guilty, so....that was fun :) Anyways, I have always liked Amy, she's delightful, and supportive, and fun to have around :)

My Big Brother Wesleigh

When I first met my brother Wesleigh, I was 15 years old. I've spent a bit of time with him since then, and he is a great guy, and I love him.

Mrs. Rosenquist, and also Carol

Mrs. Rosenquist was my third grade teacher. She also lived down the street from my Grandma forever, and she and my Grandma are friends, and now she I just call her Carol :) When I was in her class, I turned 9, and my birthday happened to coincide with the class Christmas Party, and we got root beer floats :) We have had several enjoyable experiences together, including a few retreats and a week in Holden Village, and hopefully we'll get to have a few more experiences when I return.

Trista

Trista and I have "officially" been friends since we were on the track team together during the spring of my sophomore year of high school. We have lots of inside jokes, I always enjoy spending time with her, and she is always smiling. I also don't spend nearly enough time with her, and I miss her, but I will hopefully see her before 2018 comes to a close.

Melanie

I met Melanie in the summer of 2009, when we worked at Flathead Lutheran Bible Camp together. She and I lived in the same staff cabin that summer, and so we got to know each other a bit, and we had some pleasant conversations before we went to sleep. I haven't seen her since that summer, which is something that needs to change soon, but I have nothing but fond memories, and I can't wait to see her again.

Shaunna and Jeff

Shaunna and Jeff are my best friend Sami's parents. I met them in the summer of 2009, when Sami and I first worked together, and then in the summer of 2010, they came for family weekend, and they "adopted" me into their family, because no one in my family could make it. They always make me feel like part of their family, and they are wonderful people, and good parents, and they are just great and I love them :)

Field Officer Sarah

I know so many Sarahs, so this Sarah, since she is my field officer here in the United Kingdom, gets referred to as Field Officer Sarah, because yeah. Also, in case you are wondering, Field Officer is not the same thing as Probation Officer. Field officer just means that she is available if I am having any problems in my placement, or life in general, and to make sure that I have the resources that I need to live my best life. Or something :) I first met Sarah in September, and I have seen her a couple of times since then, and we have talked on Facebook a bit, and she is always supportive, and I am glad to know her.

Mrs. Barrick is Synonymous with Sassiness :)

Mrs. Barrick and I got to know each other when she was my AP English teacher during my junior year of high school. She also went to school with my Mom, and they were in the marching band together, and I am not entirely sure how the rest of the band survived that experience :) Mrs. Barrick was known for, "political incorrectness", and sarcasm, and we used to tease each other ALL THE TIME. It still happens sometimes, but much less frequently. She was also the yearbook advisor, and I spent the last two years of high school on the yearbook committee, and then my senior year of high school I was her student aide for her freshman English class, which I enjoyed. Looking back on it, I'm pretty much amazed at how much sassiness Mrs. Barrick actually let me get away with, and actually, how much sassiness any of my teachers let me get away with. But actually, Mrs. Barrick is a wonderful human being, and she was one of my favorite teachers in high school, and maybe she was more mellow when she was in high school and in Marching Band. I don't know. But I am blessed to have her in my life.

Matt, Our Wonderful Country Coordinator

I met Matt last April, almost a year ago. He is our Country Coordinator here in the U.K. He is absolutely delightful, he is always fascinated by my knitting, and I am always amused at how fascinated he is by my knitting. He is always cheerful, and he makes our YAGM retreats very enjoyable, and he sometimes sends me pictures of penguins on Facebook. He is also really easy to talk to, which is good if you are having a problem. So...yeah. Matt is wonderful.

Katie

Katie was appointed the "Mom" of our YAGM cohort way back at Orientation in August. I am years older than her, so I consider myself "Grandma", which works because I can often be found knitting something :) And when I say, "years older", I really am only, like, 4 years older than Katie. Anyways, Katie is great. She is compassionate, and is a leader, and organized, and I have enjoyed getting to know her this year, and I hope that we remain friends in the future :)

Sarah Peterson

Sarah Peterson is another YAGM here in the United Kingdom with me, and she was also my first, and remains the only, house guest that I've had since I've been here.She stayed at my house when she came to visit Manchester for YAGM Thanksgiving. She's pretty wonderful, was very patient when I literally had no idea where I was going when I met her at Picadilly Train Station and we had to get to Salford, which I hadn't been to Salford yet, so I didn't know where the bus stop was that my phone told me to go to, but we did get on a right bus eventually, and got to Grace's house in Salford, and also got rained on, 'cause it downpoured for a bit, but Sarah was very patient and had a sense of humor about the whole thing, which is good, 'cause I get really sad when people get angry at me when I don't know what I am doing. Sarah also handles difficult situations way better than I ever would, and I think that's an admirable quality. I have enjoyed getting to know Sarah over the course of this year, and I am excited to see her in a couple of weeks.

Happy Birthday to my Aunt Terri!

It seems fitting to write about my Aunt Terri today, because today is her birthday, so if you know my Aunt Terri, wish her a  happy birthday today :) Aunt Terri is my Mom's sister, and she has been my Aunt for 29 years :) She is also my Godmother. She's always been there for me, supportive of all my adventures and anything else I wanted to do. So Happy Birthday to my Aunt Terri!

Megan

Megan has been my best friend for almost 18 years. We've been through a lot together. Middle School. High School. One year of college in Missoula. Navigating adulthood, and for several years now, long distance. We have had some good times, and we've been there for each other through the bad times. Sometimes our lives get busy and we go for long periods of time without talking, but when we do talk, it feels like no time has passed. She is the best friend that I have had the longest, and I can't wait until we are reunited.

Sarah Bull, Co-Founder of "The Dream Team"

Sarah Bull is another member of my YAGM cohort here in the U.K., and we started referring to ourselves as "The Dream Team" on the last night of YAGM Orientation in Chicago, in August, when we noticed some other members of our U.K. cohort standing a bit of a distance away from us, and we wondered if they noticed that we weren't among them, so we stared at them awkwardly for a while, but they didn't notice us starting awkwardly at them, and then I told Sarah that one of my greatest fears is that I feel like people don't notice when I'm not around, and anyways, somehow that made us decide to be "The Dream Team". We actually were probably just being way overdramatic about that whole thing. Or maybe I was the only one being overdramatic....anyways, Sarah has become one of my best friends, and I have enjoyed getting to know her better over the course of the year, and I look forward to all the other adventures that we will have over the rest of our lives.

My Cousin Kori

My cousin Kori is pretty wonderful. I've known her my whole life, and I've spent some time with her, and we've gotten to know each other pretty well. She has always been there for me, and I always try to be there for her, and I am looking forward to seeing her next summer when I am back in the United States.

Rosina

Rosina is another of my friends who is part of the YAGM cohort here in the United Kingdom. We've been getting to know each other since August, and she is wonderful. I am glad that we got sent to the U.K. together and that we get the opportunity to get to know each other, and I am excited to see how the next few months unfold for our friendship.

"My Best Friend"

I have a cousin named Karen, and she is almost 14 years older than me. I used to spend a lot of time with her when I was a little girl, and I used to refer to her as "My Best Friend". I don't really know why. However, when I was about 5 or 6, she moved to New York, and I apparently forgot about the whole "My Best Friend" thing, because when she came back from New York a few years later, she wasn't my best friend anymore. Of course, the more interesting, but totally made up by me, story, is that she was my best friend, but then she went to New York and left me, and I was mad at her, so that's why she wasn't my best friend anymore. But that version isn't true. Karen is a wonderful human being, and I love her a lot, and I always look forward to seeing her.

My Oldest Big Brother

My brother John is a wonderful human being. I didn't know that he existed until I was almost 15, but he tried to find me for a lot of years before he finally tracked me down. He's been a pretty good older brother though, although I haven't seen him in almost 14 years, which will change once I'm back in the States. He's a good guy, a good husband, from what I can tell, and a good father, and I love him and will hopefully see him in a few months.

Jetta

I have known Jetta for a long time, since middle school or something, but we only "officially" became friends a few years ago. It's been fun getting to know her these past few years, and hopefully we will be friends for the rest of our lives.

Heath

Heath is one of the most wonderful guys that I have had the privilege of getting to know. Out of the eleven of us YAGMs serving in the United Kingdom this year, he is our only boy. He handles it pretty well though. He is kind and compassionate, and I look forward to knowing him far into the future.

The other Haley that I Know

I met Haley back in August, in Chicago, at YAGM Orientation. Haley is a former YAGM, and she was the leader of my small group. Over the course of eight days we got to know each other a bit, and we have talked on Facebook a bit since I have been in England. I look forward to getting to know her more as the years go on, and I feel very privileged and blessed to have her in my life.

Dejon

I met Dejon a few years ago when I joined a book club in my hometown. We have gone running together and had a couple of movie nights at my house. I am glad that we have become friends, and I hope that we will be friends far into the future.

Sarah, the One that I've Known Forever

I know a few different Sarahs, but the Sarah in this post is one that I have known, literally, forever. We grew up in church together, we ran cross country together for a couple of years in high school, and we still are good friends to this day. I can't imagine my life without her in it, and hopefully I will never have to.

Danielle

I met Danielle in April, when we were roommates at the YAGM Discernment, Interview, Placement (DIP) Event in Woodstock, Illinois. We both had options of either the Jerusalem/West Bank program, or the United Kingdom program. We both got accepted into the United Kingdom program, and I am so glad that I have gotten to know her a bit more over the course of this year. I make fun of her sometimes, but she knows that I do it because I love her, at least, I'm pretty sure that she knows that, I should probably clarify that more. She always adds joy to my life, and I am thankful that life has brought us together.

Rachel

I have known Rachel for my entire life. I don't actually know when we made the transition from just being people who know each other into friendship. Rachel has been studying in Cambridge for a few years now, and a couple of months after I moved to England, I got the opportunity to visit her for a couple of days in Cambridge, and she showed me around Cambridge, and it was really good to get to spend that time with her, and catch up on our lives. I can't imagine my life without Rachel being a part of it, and I hope that she continues to be a part of it for at least several more decades.

Sami

Sami has been one of my best friends since the summer of 2009, when we both worked at Flathead Lutheran Bible Camp. I was working in the kitchen, and she was a counselor, and it was basically love at first sight. She was definitely one of the organizers of "Jasmine Appreciation Day" that happened that summer, I still don't know who all was involved in that, but Sami came over to the corner where I was baking that day, and every hour, on the hour, she would bang on drum and give me an "hourly affirmation". In 2010, when Sami and I worked together at FLBC again, Sami's family adopted me for Family Weekend, since my family couldn't come, and I appreciate them so much for always making me feel like a part of their family. In August of 2012 Sami came to England as part of the YAGM program, she was at a different placement than the one I am currently at, but I got to spend a weekend with her before she left, the last weekend of July 2012. In fact, the last time that I saw her was at the Helena bus station, when I had to go back home, on July 30 2012. a little over 5 1/2 years ago. I miss her so much, I've been missing her for years, and when I get back to the States, one of my first priorities is to see her. Best friends for almost 6 years, and hopefully for the rest of our lives, and a love story that was, at least one time, referred to as "The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, except for that One about Jesus and How He Died on the Cross for Our Sins."

Annie

Annie is one of my YAGM friends who is also in the United Kingdom this year. She is one of the sweetest people that I've ever known, and I consider myself lucky to have been given the opportunity to get to know her this year. She is amazing, and wonderful, and resilient, and every moment I get to spend with her is one that I cherish.

Quinn

I've known Quinn since my senior year of high school. She had just moved to Libby from Colorado, but her dad and his siblings had grown up down the street from my mother and her siblings. Over the years she has become one of my best friends, we see each other most summers when her family visits Montana. She is always super supportive of my adventures, and I can't wait to see her again and tell her all about this adventure, and hear about all of her adventures.

From Piano Teacher to Old Friend

Mrs. Minde was what I first knew her as. although now she is Mrs. Mackey. She started teaching me how to play the piano when I was eight years old. When I was twelve years old, she started giving me vocal lessons in addition to piano. Over the years she has become one of my favorite people, back home I've always looked forward to seeing her at church on Sundays. She is one of the people that I am most looking forward to seeing when I am back home in Montana.

Tessa

Tessa and I actually met because she was friends with my younger sister first. We became friends, and she invited me to join a book club, and we've had a few adventures, and I am so glad that we are friends, because now I can't imagine life without her.

Molly

I met Molly for the first time last April. We are both YAGMs in the United Kingdom this year, and I am enjoying getting to know her, and I find her to be absolutely wonderful and delightful. Her hair also reminds me of the sunshine, which I don't see nearly enough of, I mean, I don't see nearly enough of Molly either, but I do see her more than the sun....I can't wait to see how the rest of our time here unfolds for us, and I am looking forward to being friends with Molly for the rest of our lives, hopefully.

Lindley

Lindley stands out among my friends, because, for all my life, I've always had friends, but I never put out any effort to make friends. Friendship always just happened. Except for one time, when I met Lindley. I met Lindley in October of 2008, and I really wanted to be her friend. So one day I made her a picture frame out of popsicle sticks, and I stuck a note inside of it, asking her to be my friend. She agreed to be my friend, and almost 9 1/2 years later, we are still friends. I am glad to have her in my life, and I am excited to see her when I get back to the States.

Javonna, my older sister :)

For a lot of my childhood, I wished for an older sister, even though I knew it was impossible. Or so I thought. When I was almost 15 years old, I found out that I did, in fact, have an older sister. Had one all along. We don't get to see each other very often, and we don't know each other very well, yet, but I am glad that we know about each other now, and I am glad that we have the rest of our lives to build a relationship. She's my big sister, and I love her :)

Haley Number One

I have more than one friend named Haley, this post is about the one that I have known the longest. I have known Haley for most of my life, but we only officially became friends a few months ago, after I had already been in England for a couple of months. We grew up in the same neighborhood, she was a few years older than me. We started talking on a Facebook a few months ago, realized that we have a lot in common. It's interesting, really getting to know someone that you've always wanted to get to know. Life works in strange ways sometimes, but I think this friendship is going to be a good thing :)

Bree

I have known Bree since May of 2009, and our friendship was established over the course of that summer. However, we didn't officially become best friends until last spring. Bree is one of the most wonderful people that I know. We worked at Flathead Lutheran Bible Camp together in 2009, in the kitchen. Kitchen days are long days, and often interesting days :) She is also a hairstylist, which is just a really fabulous bonus :) I am missing her a lot this year, I have never been quite this far away from her since we became friends, but we will be reunited in a few months. I love her so much, and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.

Allison

Allison is one of my best friends, and is another YAGM serving in the United Kingdom this year. She has an infinite amount of energy, and she likes to make fun of me for being "old." She is wonderful, and we have had some great adventures. In September, she took Grace and I on a 9 hour adventure around Manchester, in December she and I went on an adventure in Liverpool, and in January I went to visit her in Wolverhampton, which is where she lives, and she showed me around there. She is one of the greatest people I know, and I love her.

My Baby Sister

3 1/2 months short of 22 years ago, my little sister, Jessica, was born. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, but sometimes she is nice to me, and I know that she loves me, and I love her.

The Importance of Grace in My Life

Sometimes things happen, and someone says to me, "You just have to give yourself some grace." So I think to myself, "I have a friend named Grace, I wonder if that counts?" :) My friend Grace is a rock star. It's really weird to think that at this time last year, I didn't even know her. I didn't even know that she existed in the world. It just proves that God has a way of placing people in our lives at the right time, because this year Grace and I are YAGMs in the the United Kingdom, and we both live in Manchester. Grace has actually become one of my seven best friends. I appreciate her so much. She's always willing to listen to my nonsense, gives me a hug when I need one, understands me when I don't make sense, or when I am being incredibly vague. She's also very logical, which is good, because I am sometimes logical and sometimes the opposite of logical. Illogical? Unlogical? One of those :). She also has this way with words, I can't really describe it, but I wish I was that good with words. She just always makes my heart happy, and I am always grateful for every moment we get to spend together. She always reminds me of my value when I am feeling not valuable, and she always listens to my nonsense :) I am blessed to have her in my life, there's no one I would rather be doing Manchester with this year. A year ago I didn't know her, but now I can't imagine my life without her. So when someone says to me, "Give yourself some grace..." I know how to do that, and I also have Grace ❤️

Grandma

My Grandma is my greatest role model. She is literally everywhere. I mean, you never know where you'll find her, The Food Pantry, The Thrift Store, Church, serving a funeral dinner, on a servant trip, a family gathering, or at home, sewing, quilting, knitting, baking, or taking a nap, because when she sits down, she falls asleep :) She is the most compassionate and amazing woman that I know, and if I can be even 10% of the woman that she is, that would be great :) Everyone should be so blessed to have a Grandma as wonderful as mine :)

Mom

My Mom is incredibly important to me. She is the first person that I met, and the person that I have known the longest. She's not perfect, but she's a good person. She hasn't had an easy life, because she did have to raise me... :) I love her and wouldn't trade her for anything. I am forever grateful for her.

Dust and Ashes

"Remember that you are dust. And to dust you shall return." I've heard those words every year for 29 years now. The words remind me that I am not in control of how long I am on this Earth for. So I have to take every chance at adventure that I can. I have to LIVE my life, every day. I have to let everyone that I love know that they are loved by me. During Lent, starting tomorrow, I'll be posting in my blog about the people and things that give my life meaning. So...follow along.

On a Dark Winter's Night....

On a dark winter's night, the Rector, the Churchwarden, the Sacristan, Val, and I, went outside to a secluded part of the church grounds, and buried something in a hole.....that sentence probably sounds like the beginning of a horror story, but it's not. Last night, after Vespers, we colored a poster of the word "Alleluia". Father Ian, my supervisor, then took the "Alleluia" poster, rolled it up like a scroll, stuck it in a jar, and then we took a spade, we went out to the church herb garden, Alan the Churchwarden dug a hole, and we buried the jar under the rosemary. You may be wondering why we did that. We did that, because the season of Lent begins on Wednesday. Lent is the period of 40 days leading up to Easter that you aren't allowed to say or sing "Alleluia" at church, and the songs are sad and depressing. It's always a good time for reflection, and some people give up things for Lent, such as chocolate, alcohol, social media, complaining, and other things. We have the same tradition in the Lutheran Church where I grew up, about not saying "Alleluia" during Lent, and sad and depressing songs, but I have never actually been part of a ceremony like last night's. I am learning and experiencing all kinds of things over here, and I am thankful for every moment.

February 3rd

At any given moment you have the power to say, "This is not how my story is going to end."

So, I am writing this a few days after the date that I mention in the title. I wasn't actually going to write about this at all, but there was a funeral at the church this morning, and it made me think about things. The man whose life we were celebrating was 89, and his family and friends were here for it, and it was obvious that he had made a big impact on their lives, which is how I am hoping I am living my life.

February 3rd is a significant day in my life. I had dinner with a friend of mine last Saturday, February 3rd, and I explained the significance, but I am pretty sure that I explained in the vaguest way possible, so this post is going to be much less vague. There are some things that I mention that could be triggering for some people, so just be aware of that.

On February 3rd, 2008, I was at my darkest point. I was living in Missoula, Montana, and that night I had gone for a walk, and I found myself on a bridge. There was a river running underneath of it. I was in a lot of pain, emotionally, and I couldn't see beyond it. I was 19 years old, and I wanted it to stop. I felt like a burden to everyone, and I thought that everyone's  life would be better without me. So at that moment, I had two choices. I was either going to give up on my life, and jump off that bridge into the river below, or I was going to walk back to my dorm room, and continue my life. Considering that I am sitting here, just a few days past the ten year anniversary of that night, I think that the choice that I ended up making is obvious, and I'm glad that I made the choice that I did.

If I had given up on my life that night, I would not have met any of the amazing people that I have met since then. I would not have seen my younger sister graduate from high school. I would not be living in The United Kingdom right now. I still deal with depression, I deal with insecurity. I still feel like a burden sometimes, and I have been working on allowing myself to be vulnerable, and to talk about my feelings, and I have been trying to not apologise for my feelings. I have been working on trying to convince myself that I don't need to be needed, or useful, to be worthy of love. Sometimes it's still hard to get out of bed in the morning, but there are a lot of good days, and there are so many good things about my life, and there are so many good people in my life, people who love me. It's been 10 years. 10 years and 3 days, and I am still here, living my life.

Sometimes a Lot of Things Happen, and There is No Time to Write about Them

Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

This Is Me-Keala Settle, from The Greatest Showman soundtrack

A lot has happened since my last blog post. New Year's Day was mostly spent hanging around my friend Sarah's house in London, before I caught a bus to the train station and headed home. My train left London at 7:40 p.m., and got into Manchester at almost 10 p.m., and the buses had stopped running at...sometime before my train got in, so I walked the two miles home. But it was good, nothing terrible happened. I arrived home to an empty house, as I knew I would, because my Nuns were at a retreat/conference in Darby, and they weren't due to arrive back until January 10th. So...I was totally alone until January 10th, and one day I went to the doctor and found out that I am iron deficient...which I suppose can happen when my Nuns are vegetarians and I don't eat nearly as much meat in my diet as I used to, but I am taking iron supplements now, so that's been good, I am also trying to incorporate more meat into my diet. On Friday, January 5th, I had an unpleasant encounter with a racist old man, he was hanging around outside my gate, and he said some things to me that really shook me up. He was arrested a few days later, he was turned in by the people at the Mosque next door. While being alone in the house for all those days, I realized that I can never live totally alone, at least not in a house that big. The house makes weird noses. The ghosts are pretty lowkey though. They just do their own thing. Still haven't figured out what the ones in the church are wailing about, but they are okay as long as I play them good music. The prefer music from before 2000. They really don't like Justin Bieber. But I did miss my Nuns, and I was so glad when they got home. I think they missed me too. Last week I was on a retreat in Wales, in a village, or town, or something, called Powys, at a retreat center called Cefn Lea. It was windy, and it rained a bit, and it snowed and it hailed, but it was really nice. We were there with the 11 of us YAGM/TFG Volunteers, and the rest of the TFG Volunteers, and the TFG Staff, so there were probably close to about 90 of us there, and it was really nice, but also exhausting. I spent most of the week knitting, and about 40 people over the course of five days told me that I was cool, which was kind of unsettling because I'm used to only my friend Allison thinking that I'm cool :) Also, there were a few other Americans there that I met, they are in the UK through the Time for God program directly, and my new friend Mary also likes knitting and the Gilmore Girls, so we bonded over that, and then I met a Time for God volunteer, named Tim who was actually a YAGM in Mexico last year, but he applied for Time for God and is now here in the UK, and he is actually older than me, which is kind of exciting, because I am the oldest in the YAGM U.K. group, but I didn't think there were any in the Time for God program who were older than me...but I was wrong, and that is wonderful. Also at the conference, I learned that different cultures think differently about sexual orientation, and mental health issues such as depression, and even race. There were some things that I heard both directly and second hand that were not very nice, that related to sexual orientation, depression, and race, and it took me a couple days to regain my calm, but it is what it is. It just makes me sad when people judge other people based on things they can't control. We all bleed the same color. There was an entertaining moment on Thursday, though, when I was listening to a man talking, and I was sitting in the front row, and he was trying to make a point about back in Biblical times when the people who sat closest to the host at the dinner table were considered the most important guests, so he said that since I was sitting closest to him, I was the most important, to which I protested a bit, because I am me and usually try to avoid the spotlight, but I was not the most important for long, because this guy that I met, Artem, who is wonderful, apparently couldn't handle me being the most important, so he climbed over a few rows of chairs and sat next to me, so then he became the most important, so I am forever grateful to him for that :) Also, at the conference, I discovered my new theme song for my life. It's called "This Is Me" by Keala Settle, from The Greatest Showman soundtrack. I also got a lot of hugs at the conference, which is something that has been lacking in my life, so that was really really good. So...yeah. That is the last few weeks in a nutshell, I hope you enjoyed my thoughts, and if you didn't, pretend like you did :)

 Most of the YAGMs on top of a mountain in Wales :)

Most of the YAGMs, the TFG Volunteers, and the TFG Staff members on top of the same mountain in Wales.

 We had an unofficial theme song for the week, "This Is Me" by Keala Settle, and this is us dancing to it :)