So, I am writing this a few days after the date that I mention in the title. I wasn't actually going to write about this at all, but there was a funeral at the church this morning, and it made me think about things. The man whose life we were celebrating was 89, and his family and friends were here for it, and it was obvious that he had made a big impact on their lives, which is how I am hoping I am living my life.
February 3rd is a significant day in my life. I had dinner with a friend of mine last Saturday, February 3rd, and I explained the significance, but I am pretty sure that I explained in the vaguest way possible, so this post is going to be much less vague. There are some things that I mention that could be triggering for some people, so just be aware of that.
On February 3rd, 2008, I was at my darkest point. I was living in Missoula, Montana, and that night I had gone for a walk, and I found myself on a bridge. There was a river running underneath of it. I was in a lot of pain, emotionally, and I couldn't see beyond it. I was 19 years old, and I wanted it to stop. I felt like a burden to everyone, and I thought that everyone's life would be better without me. So at that moment, I had two choices. I was either going to give up on my life, and jump off that bridge into the river below, or I was going to walk back to my dorm room, and continue my life. Considering that I am sitting here, just a few days past the ten year anniversary of that night, I think that the choice that I ended up making is obvious, and I'm glad that I made the choice that I did.
If I had given up on my life that night, I would not have met any of the amazing people that I have met since then. I would not have seen my younger sister graduate from high school. I would not be living in The United Kingdom right now. I still deal with depression, I deal with insecurity. I still feel like a burden sometimes, and I have been working on allowing myself to be vulnerable, and to talk about my feelings, and I have been trying to not apologise for my feelings. I have been working on trying to convince myself that I don't need to be needed, or useful, to be worthy of love. Sometimes it's still hard to get out of bed in the morning, but there are a lot of good days, and there are so many good things about my life, and there are so many good people in my life, people who love me. It's been 10 years. 10 years and 3 days, and I am still here, living my life.
February 3rd is a significant day in my life. I had dinner with a friend of mine last Saturday, February 3rd, and I explained the significance, but I am pretty sure that I explained in the vaguest way possible, so this post is going to be much less vague. There are some things that I mention that could be triggering for some people, so just be aware of that.
On February 3rd, 2008, I was at my darkest point. I was living in Missoula, Montana, and that night I had gone for a walk, and I found myself on a bridge. There was a river running underneath of it. I was in a lot of pain, emotionally, and I couldn't see beyond it. I was 19 years old, and I wanted it to stop. I felt like a burden to everyone, and I thought that everyone's life would be better without me. So at that moment, I had two choices. I was either going to give up on my life, and jump off that bridge into the river below, or I was going to walk back to my dorm room, and continue my life. Considering that I am sitting here, just a few days past the ten year anniversary of that night, I think that the choice that I ended up making is obvious, and I'm glad that I made the choice that I did.
If I had given up on my life that night, I would not have met any of the amazing people that I have met since then. I would not have seen my younger sister graduate from high school. I would not be living in The United Kingdom right now. I still deal with depression, I deal with insecurity. I still feel like a burden sometimes, and I have been working on allowing myself to be vulnerable, and to talk about my feelings, and I have been trying to not apologise for my feelings. I have been working on trying to convince myself that I don't need to be needed, or useful, to be worthy of love. Sometimes it's still hard to get out of bed in the morning, but there are a lot of good days, and there are so many good things about my life, and there are so many good people in my life, people who love me. It's been 10 years. 10 years and 3 days, and I am still here, living my life.
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