One Year

A lot can happen to a person in a year. On this day last year, I was waiting, because a few weeks previously I had submitted my application to the YAGM program. I knew that it would be a few more weeks until the application deadline, and then the interview process would begin. I was scared. I was scared to want it too much. But I got in. And this last year has been a whirlwind. Interviews. Placement Event. Weddings. Funerals. Traveling. Orientation. New friends. So many new friends. Moving to The United Kingdom. Living with Nuns, working in a church. It has been the most AMAZING year of my life, the most transformative, and wonderful. There's been some ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it. This year started in Libby, MT, and will end with most of my YAGM cohort in London, England. Next year will begin with most of my YAGM Cohort in London, England, and will most likely end in Libby, MT. I am a different person today than I was at this point last year, but I think that's good. I am finally starting to believe that I am valuable, and that people like having me around. I still don't exactly know why, but I am learning to trust it. I am learning how to communicate what I need. I am learning how to live my best life, even on days when life is hard. I am learning how to stick up for myself. I am learning about what really matters to me. I am doing this life thing, because my life matters.

Christmas reflections

Christmas had a different feel to it this year. It's hard to describe, but it was definitely quieter than I am used to, but it was nice. I attended 3 church services in a 24 hour period, so that was interesting. Snow has fallen from the sky on a few occasions, but it hasn't stuck around. But I don't think that there was snow in Bethlehem when Jesus was born either. Christmas feels different this year, but I am trying to concentrate on the reason that I celebrate Christmas. Jesus is the reason that I celebrate Christmas, it doesn't matter what country I am in when I celebrate it.

29 Years

This year, my birthday was one of the most interesting birthdays I've ever had. It actually might qualify as THE MOST interesting birthday I've ever had. On October 24th, I was sitting in a cafe in Grindleford, with my friends Grace and Allison, and Matt, who is Time for God's equivalent of our Site Coordinator. Grace and Allison and I had just gotten off the train from Manchester Picadilly, and we were waiting for the rest of our YAGM group to arrive on the next train. So we were sitting in the cafe, and I was knitting a scarf, because that's a thing that I do, and Matt noticed that my phone case was a penguin, and the subject came around to the fact that penguins are one of my favorite animals, and I mentioned that I had never seen a penguin outside of the movies. So Grace and Allison had the idea that we would go to the zoo for my birthday, so that I could see penguins.

At 5:30 a.m. on December 16th, I woke up, and I walked out of my bedroom and there was a card on the table outside of my door. I opened up the card, and it was from my Nuns. They had glued two pictures of puffins on the inside of my card, because they couldn't find any cards with penguins, and so they decided that puffins would do. It was absolutely perfect. I left my house at about 6:30 a.m., and headed to the train station. We went to the Dudley Zoo, because, while Chester Zoo is closer, the penguin exhibit is currently closed at the Chester Zoo, so we went to Dudley. I had a pretty uneventful train trip to Dudley, and when I got off the train, I was greeted by Allison and Annie. Annie's birthday is three days after mine, so we decided to make the celebration about her as well. So then we waited for Grace to arrive, and Grace and Annie both gave me stuffed animal penguins for my birthday, and then we walked to a bus stop, and headed to the zoo. We saw so many different animals at the zoo, and of course the penguins was my highlight, but getting yelled at by the lemurs was pretty interesting, and watching Grace try to make friends with a peacock was just entertaining :)

After we were done walking around the zoo, we went into an area that had indoor seating, and Allison and I taught Grace and Annie to play Cribbage, although without a Cribbage board, which I thought defeated the purpose. I don't think Grace and Annie were impressed with our Cribbage game, but it was still fun. We then headed back to a bus stop, and got to the train station with about 6 minutes to catch our trains, Grace, Allison and I got on the train to Wolverhampton, and Annie got on her train. In Wolverhampton, Grace and I had to change trains, and Allison lives in Wolverhampton, so Allison persuaded us to stand outside the station for a few seconds, so that we coud "Be in Wolverhampton Together." :) Then Grace and I got on our train to Picadilly, and had a completely silent train trip back to Picadilly. We got off of the train, Grace kind of unintentionally walked me to my bus stop, and then she found her way back home. So overall it was a wonderful birthday, and seeing penguins is always better with friends :)

 This lynx was not impressed with us :) 

 This crocodile and the other crocodile were best friends, I'm pretty sure.

 PENGUINS!!!!

 MORE PENGUINS!!!!!!!

 That time that Grace and I spent 10 seconds in Wolverhampton with Allison :) 

Winter and Depression

"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."-Anonymous

Winter has always been a season of constant contradictions for me. Growing up in Montana, there is usually snow. Not always a lot of snow in recent years, but it's usually there. Winter can be the most beautiful time of the year, when the sun is shining, and the sky is blue, and the snow is sparkling, and it's the perfect snow for building a snowman, or sledding, or having a snowball fight. Winter is also good for knitting hats and scarves while drinking hot cocoa or hot apple cider while watching Christmas movies. Winter is also Christmas, my birthday, and New Year's Eve, all of which should be happy occasions.

There is, however, a downside to winter. It gets dark much earlier, sometimes the sun disappears for days or weeks at a time, making it incredibly hard for people struggling with depression. The holidays can be hard if you have recently, or even not recently, lost someone that you loved. The holidays can be stressful if you are struggling financially, or if your family gets stressed out and yells at each other a lot during the holidays. Winter is full of contradictions, but still, it's one of my favorite times of year.

This winter, I am living in Manchester in the United Kingdom. They say it doesn't snow very much here, and when it does snow, it doesn't stick around very long. I have yet to see snow here, but hopefully it will happen soon. It gets dark here a lot earlier than it does during the winter in Montana. I haven't seen the sun in a few days, and it's getting to me. I fight my depression a lot more during the winter, but I keep fighting.

I've been fighting depression, consciously, for about 12 years, give or take a few months, but there was a time, a little bit less than 10 years ago, when I seriously considered giving up the fight. It was sometime in February of 2008, and there were a lot of things going on in my mind, and I was feeling like a burden, and I didn't want to die, but I wanted my pain to end, and I thought that everyone that I knew would be better off without me, or maybe eventually they wouldn't even notice that I was not around. It only ever got to the seriously thinking point, though. I never attempted suicide. The thing that made me continue my life was knowing that if I killed myself, someone, I didn't know who, but if I killed myself someone would find me, and I could never inflict that kind of trauma on anyone.

Suicide has a stigma though. Often times, when someone dies by suicide, it's not officially reported as a suicide. A lot of people think that people who die by suicide are selfish, but I'm not entirely sure that's fair. A lot of times, when a person is in so much pain, physically or mentally, that they think that dying is their only way out, it's something in them telling them that, and they literally can't picture their life getting better. It's incredibly hard to continue on with your life when you want to die. Sometimes I think people should get points just for getting out of bed, because sometimes that is incredibly hard.

Looking back on that time, almost 10 years ago, I am incredibly glad that I didn't choose to die. I would not have met a lot of the wonderful friends that are part of my life now, I wouldn't be living in the United Kingdom right now, and a lot of other things would not have happened. This year I am learning to not bottle up my feelings. I am learning how to tell people what I need. I am learning to be vulnerable. All of these things are hard. I never knew how much I thrived on hugs, until I moved to the United Kingdom. The British aren't really big on hugging, so I don't get nearly enough hugs, which is hard. I also really don't want to have to be that person who needs constant reassurance about her value in the lives of others, but right now, I am that person. I hope someday I will need to be reminded less, but right now, this is where I'm at, and I really need specifics. I NEED to know SPECIFICALLY why I am SPECIFICALLY important to YOU. I need to know what exactly it is about me that makes you willing to keep putting up with me and all of my nonsense. That is what I need. Sometimes I need advice and input and thoughts, other times I just someone to listen while I ramble. This is where I am at in my life. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard, but everyday I get out of bed. Living with depression requires a different kind of bravery, a different kind of strength, but I think I'm strong enough to keep fighting.