Winter and Depression

"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."-Anonymous

Winter has always been a season of constant contradictions for me. Growing up in Montana, there is usually snow. Not always a lot of snow in recent years, but it's usually there. Winter can be the most beautiful time of the year, when the sun is shining, and the sky is blue, and the snow is sparkling, and it's the perfect snow for building a snowman, or sledding, or having a snowball fight. Winter is also good for knitting hats and scarves while drinking hot cocoa or hot apple cider while watching Christmas movies. Winter is also Christmas, my birthday, and New Year's Eve, all of which should be happy occasions.

There is, however, a downside to winter. It gets dark much earlier, sometimes the sun disappears for days or weeks at a time, making it incredibly hard for people struggling with depression. The holidays can be hard if you have recently, or even not recently, lost someone that you loved. The holidays can be stressful if you are struggling financially, or if your family gets stressed out and yells at each other a lot during the holidays. Winter is full of contradictions, but still, it's one of my favorite times of year.

This winter, I am living in Manchester in the United Kingdom. They say it doesn't snow very much here, and when it does snow, it doesn't stick around very long. I have yet to see snow here, but hopefully it will happen soon. It gets dark here a lot earlier than it does during the winter in Montana. I haven't seen the sun in a few days, and it's getting to me. I fight my depression a lot more during the winter, but I keep fighting.

I've been fighting depression, consciously, for about 12 years, give or take a few months, but there was a time, a little bit less than 10 years ago, when I seriously considered giving up the fight. It was sometime in February of 2008, and there were a lot of things going on in my mind, and I was feeling like a burden, and I didn't want to die, but I wanted my pain to end, and I thought that everyone that I knew would be better off without me, or maybe eventually they wouldn't even notice that I was not around. It only ever got to the seriously thinking point, though. I never attempted suicide. The thing that made me continue my life was knowing that if I killed myself, someone, I didn't know who, but if I killed myself someone would find me, and I could never inflict that kind of trauma on anyone.

Suicide has a stigma though. Often times, when someone dies by suicide, it's not officially reported as a suicide. A lot of people think that people who die by suicide are selfish, but I'm not entirely sure that's fair. A lot of times, when a person is in so much pain, physically or mentally, that they think that dying is their only way out, it's something in them telling them that, and they literally can't picture their life getting better. It's incredibly hard to continue on with your life when you want to die. Sometimes I think people should get points just for getting out of bed, because sometimes that is incredibly hard.

Looking back on that time, almost 10 years ago, I am incredibly glad that I didn't choose to die. I would not have met a lot of the wonderful friends that are part of my life now, I wouldn't be living in the United Kingdom right now, and a lot of other things would not have happened. This year I am learning to not bottle up my feelings. I am learning how to tell people what I need. I am learning to be vulnerable. All of these things are hard. I never knew how much I thrived on hugs, until I moved to the United Kingdom. The British aren't really big on hugging, so I don't get nearly enough hugs, which is hard. I also really don't want to have to be that person who needs constant reassurance about her value in the lives of others, but right now, I am that person. I hope someday I will need to be reminded less, but right now, this is where I'm at, and I really need specifics. I NEED to know SPECIFICALLY why I am SPECIFICALLY important to YOU. I need to know what exactly it is about me that makes you willing to keep putting up with me and all of my nonsense. That is what I need. Sometimes I need advice and input and thoughts, other times I just someone to listen while I ramble. This is where I am at in my life. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard, but everyday I get out of bed. Living with depression requires a different kind of bravery, a different kind of strength, but I think I'm strong enough to keep fighting.