Being Home

The forests around Libby, Montana are on fire. Glacier National Park is on fire. California is on fire. A lot of places are on fire. Seems fitting somehow. When I left Montana a year ago today, actually a year ago yesterday, Montana was on fire. However, a lot of things are also different. Before I left, things were as they were. After I left, over the course of the year, four of my family members died, one that I didn't actually know, and a few family friends died, some of my friends had children, I don't think anyone got married, but I could be forgetting, and my Mom got cancer. So things are a little bit different around here. I have also returned to work at McDonald's since I've been back, and there are a few differences there too. I am glad to be home, but I also miss England, and I miss my UK YAGM cohort. I feel like my heart is in three pieces. One piece is here, another piece is in England, and the third is actually split into 10 smaller pieces, and is in various places around the country, with the friends who I was with in the United Kingdom this year. It's hard to sum up my year in just a few sentences. I have so many stories to tell, and I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of them. Total travel time to get home, including the drive to the airport in Manchester, flight time, waiting in airports, and the drive home, was 29 1/2 hours, and that's including a 10 1/2 hour flight from Munich, Germany, to Denver, CO. I actually got really sick after I got off the plane in Denver. Was not fun. Had fun killing 6 hours in the Denver airport though. I was ready to be home, but also not. It would just be nice to have everyone I love in one place. Now I am home, and sometimes I have been getting a lot of headaches and dealing with nausea. I think it's because of all the smoke in the air, so I'll just have to deal until the fires are out. Work is always interesting, gives me something to do and a reason to get up in the morning, and that is currently my life. I'm hoping that at least most of the UK YAGMs will get to reunite at our re-entry retreat in October, so that will be nice. I do miss England, but at the same time, I am glad to be home.

All the Feelings.....

I am heading to the airport in a few hours. The last time I was at the Manchester airport was almost 11 months ago. I am leaving here just a day shy of 11 months after I got here. I have been saying goodbye to people for a few weeks now, starting with the University students that come to church, I said goodbye to them in June, and then saying goodbye to two members of my YAGM cohort, Heath and Danielle, at the end of June, after our YAGM retreat at Seahouses in Northumberland. Also said goodbye to Matt, our country coordinator, and Fiona-Jane on that same day. Then saying goodbye to most of the rest of my YAGM cohort after we spent a weekend together in Edinburgh. Then saying goodbye to various people at church who wouldn't be around today, Wednesday evening I spent with my friend Jo, and then on Thursday, saying goodbye to the children and staff at St. John's school, where I have been working on Thursdays this year. Then on Saturday, said goodbye to the only member of my YAGM cohort who I had not yet said goodbye to in person yet, Grace. I wasn't sure I was going to get to say goodbye to her person, and if I hadn't missed my train to Stonehenge I would not have had the chance, so I guess sometimes things work out for the best. That was my hardest goodbye though. And then today, I had to say goodbye to the people at the church, and then one more goodbye in the morning when I get dropped off at the airport. I have this thing about proper goodbyes. I like closure. It's important to me. I'm not really sure where it stems from, but, it is what it is. 

The last few days, I have been thinking a lot. Like yesterday was the last time I would take a bus anywhere. Friday was the last time I would see a movie in a theater here. Today was the last time I would walk to church and walk home from church. Walking around in the center of Manchester the other day, I thought about the 9 hour adventure that Allison took Grace and I on in September. I thought about "Silent Travels with Grace." I thought about the retreats in Leeds, Cliff College, Wales, High Leigh, and Seahouses. I thought about Manchester Thanksgiving the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. I thought about New Year's weekend in London. I thought about Edinburgh. I thought about the night I went clubbing with some of my friends from church. I thought about knitting on retreats and at other times throughout the year. I thought about all the times I felt genuinely heard this year. I thought about the time I went to the zoo for my birthday and saw penguins and got screamed at by lemurs. All the times I made fun of Alan the Churchwarden. Learning how to navigate The Tube in London. Learning how to navigate trains. Living with my Nuns. Bonding with them, growing to love them. Visiting them in Derby (pronounced Darby) after they moved there. Dealing with literal ghosts, getting used to living alone, dealing with a loved one's illness from thousands of miles away, and voicing and wrestling with my own demons and hangups, and things. 

I've changed a bit this year, but I'm still mostly the same. I'll miss England, but I'm looking forward to seeing everyone in the States. This next phase of life will be interesting and unpredictable, so just go with it. Thanks for following the adventure.

Coming Home

In two weeks, I’ll be coming home. I’m looking forward to coming home, I’m looking forward to seeing all of those that I haven’t seen or talked to in almost a year, and I’m looking forward to helping my Mom through everything that she’s going through. However, I am also very sad to be leaving England. I have met some wonderful people here, and made some good friends, and discovered some wonderful places. I’m not the same person that I was when I left. I’m more tolerant of some things, and less tolerant of other things. I might be distant and unfocused for a while. I might start crying for no (obvious) reason. My heart might be in pieces for a while. I’ll be feeling all kinds of feelings, but don’t feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me. It’s a time of transition, and I’ll get through it, eventually. However, here are some helpful tips that I took from a former YAGM who took it from the person who was the Country Coordinator in Mexico back then, to help make my transition back into your lives as smooth as possible for all of us.

10 Suggestions for Helping your Young Adults in Global Mission (YAGM) Return Home

1. Don’t ask the question, “So how was it?” Your YAGM cannot function in one-word answers right now, especially ones intended to sum up their entire year’s experience and being asked to do so may cause them to start laughing or crying uncontrollably.  Ask more specific questions, like “Who was your closest friend?” or “What did you do in your free time?” or “What was the food like?” or “Tell me about your typical day.”

2.  If you wish to spend time with your YAGM, let them take the lead on where to go and what to do.  Recognize that seemingly mundane rituals, like grocery shopping or going to the movies, may be extremely difficult for someone who has just spent a year living without a wide array of material
goods.  One former YAGM, for example, faced with the daunting task of choosing a tube of toothpaste from the 70-odd kinds available, simply threw up in the middle of the drugstore.
3.Expect some feelings of jealousy and resentment, especially if your YAGM lived with a host family.  Relationships that form during periods of uncertainty and vulnerability (the first few months in a foreign country, for example) form quickly and deeply.  The fact that your YAGM talks non-stop about their friends and family from their country of service doesn’t mean that they don’t love you too.  It simply means that they’re mourning the loss (at least in part) of the deep, meaningful, important relationships that helped them to survive and to thrive during this last year.  In this regard, treat them as you would anyone else mourning a loss.

4.  You may be horrified by the way your YAGM dresses; both because their clothes are old and raggedly and because they insist on wearing the same outfit three days in a row.  Upon encountering their closet at home, returning YAGMs tend to experience two different emotions:

(1) jubilation at the fact that they can stop rotating the same 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts, and

(2) dismay at the amount of clothing they own, and yet clearly lived without for an entire year.  Some YAGMs may deal with this by giving away entire car loads of clothing and other items to people in need.  Do not “save them from themselves” by offering to drive the items to the donation center, only to hide them away in your garage.  Let your YAGM do what they need to do.  Once they realize, after the fact, that you do indeed need more than 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts to function in professional American society, offer to take them shopping.  Start with the Goodwill and the Salvation Army; your YAGM may never be able to handle Macys again.

5.  Asking to see photos of your YAGMs year in service is highly recommended, providing you have an entire day off from work.  Multiply the number of photos you take during a week’s vacation, multiply that by 52, and you understand the predicament.  If you have an entire day, fine.  If not, take a cue from a number 1 above, and ask to see specific things, like photos of your YAGMs host family, or photos from holiday celebrations.  Better yet, set up a number of “photo dates,” and delve into a different section each time.  Given the high percentage of people whose eyes glaze over after the first page of someone else’s photos, and the frustration that can cause for someone bursting with stories to tell, this would be an incredible gift.

6.  At least half the things that come out of your YAGMs mouth for the first few months will begin with, “In Mexico/Slovakia/South Africa/United Kingdom, etc….” This will undoubtedly begin to annoy you after the first few weeks.  Actually saying so, however, will prove far less effective than listening and asking interested questions.  Besides, you can bet that someone else will let slip exactly what you’re thinking, letting you off the hook.

7.  That said, speak up when you need to!  Returning YAGMs commonly assume that almost nothing has changed in your lives since they left.  (This happens, in part, because you let them, figuring that their experiences are so much more exciting than yours, and therefore not sharing your own.)  Be assertive enough to create the space to share what has happened in your life during the last year.

8.  Recognize that living in a very simple environment with very few material belongings changes people.  Don’t take it personally if your YAGM seems horrified by certain aspects of the way you live – that you shower every day, for example, or that you buy a new radio instead of duct-taping the broken one back together.  Recognize that there probably are certain things you could or should change (you don’t really need to leave the water running while you brush your teeth, do you?), but also that adjusting to what may now feel incredibly extravagant will simple take awhile.  Most YAGMs make permanent changes toward a simpler lifestyle.  Recognize this as a good thing.

9.  Perhaps you had hopes, dreams, and aspirations for your YAGM that were interrupted by their year of service.  If so, you may as well throw them out the window.  A large percentage of returning YAGMs make significant changes to their long-term goals and plans.  Some of them have spent a year doing something they never thought they’d enjoy, only to find themselves drawn to it as a career.  Others have spent a year doing exactly what they envisioned doing for the rest of their lives, only to find that they hate it. One YAGM spent a year working in a church, and decided that what she really wants to do is open a bookstore. Regardless of the direction your YAGM takes when they return…rejoice!  This year hasn’t changed who they are; it has simply made them better at discerning God’s call on their lives. (Note:  Some YAGMs spend their year of service teaching English, some are involved in human rights advocacy, others work with the elderly or disabled, and at least one learned how to deal with living with literal ghosts.  The results of this phenomenon, therefore, can vary widely.)

10.  Go easy on yourself, and go easy on your YAGM.  Understand that reverse culture shock is not an exact science, and manifests itself differently in each person.  Expect good days and bad days.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help (including of the pharmaceutical variety) if necessary.

Pray. Laugh. Cry. This too shall pass, and in the end, you’ll be the richer for it.

Thanks All, and I’ll see a lot of you in a few weeks.

Compassion

The Holocaust was 100% legal. So was the Trail of Tears. So was Segregation. So many of history's worst atrocities were 100% legal. Morality and legality do not always go hand in hand. I'm not sure when the idea of having compassion for other human beings who come from different backgrounds became taboo, but I think that the world would be way better if, as a whole, humans had more compassion for each other. This year, I've been working and worshipping in a church that has a lot of cultural diversity, and it has been one of the best experiences of my life. Despite the different backgrounds that we come from, we all have core things in common. We all have hopes, dreams, fears. I've been working a bit with some men this year who are learning English as a second language, and it is really hard to learn English. It's even been a bit of a challenge learning the differences between American English and British English.  Too much is currently happening in the world that breaks my heart, but I suppose the fact that it breaks my heart is better than allowing myself to become numb to it, because complacency is not an option. Dig deeper. Don't believe everything you're told. Do research, and form your own opinions. Trust your gut feeling, trust what you feel in your heart. If your heart feels like it's being crushed, don't ignore it. If something feels wrong to you, don't ignore that. This applies in many different situations. If someone has an opinion or a view on a thing that is different than yours, listen to it. Don't immediately get defensive. Don't automatically assume that the other person is wrong. Have compassion.

Loneliness, Ghosts, and Facing the Unknown

Yesterday my Nuns moved back to the Convent of the Holy Name in Derby (Pronounced Darby. British English does spelling weird sometimes.) We found out a couple of months ago that it was going to be happening, but it was still hard to say goodbye to them yesterday morning, even though I am going to go see them in Derby before I leave. It was hard to go back home last night, knowing that the house would be empty, knowing that neither one of my Nuns would not be in the kitchen cooking or otherwise puttering around when I got home, to ask me about my day, and commenting on how they think that I am overworked :) Knowing that they wouldn't be in the TV room, watching the news, or in the sitting room with visitors, or in their Chapel, praying, or wandering about upstairs in their rooms. It was lonely last night, and it was lonely this morning, when I was heading out the door and they weren't in their chapel praying, or sitting at the kitchen table telling me to have a good day as I grabbed an apple and ran out the door. I don't usually mind having alone time, being an introvert, I often need alone time after being around groups of people. However, it is nice knowing that other people are around, if I need them, or if they need me. There's a difference in being alone in your room, but sharing a house with other people, then there is in the aloneness that comes from being completely alone. However, I may or may not have mentioned before that there are ghosts that live in my house. Two of them, named Esther and Edna. I can't see them, but I hear them in the upstairs hallway, talking about matching hand towels, but last night, when I was getting ready for bed, I overheard a very different conversation between the two of them. At least, I'm pretty sure it was them. The voices sounded the same, but maybe there are other ghosts that I didn't notice before.

"The Sisters are gone." 
"Yes."
"That's sad. They were nice."
"Maybe we should work out moving on."
"Yes. When the girl goes, we'll go."

By the way, I think I'm the girl :) Anytime I've tried to engage them in conversation, including last night, I have gotten no response, which is sad, because I want to know more about them, such as, why they are in my upstairs hallway discussing the importance of matching hand towels all the time? I think the Sisters leaving caused a shift, or something, leading to this new conversation. We'll see what happens.

Also, in just less than six weeks. I will be flying home. In some areas, I know exactly what will be happening in my life. I have a pretty solid idea of where I will be working when I get home. I now know exactly what I want to do with my future. I know how I want to make it happen. However, there is one unknown variable. When I get home, I'll be helping my Mom in her fight against cancer. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, it's going to be different every day, I've never done this before, and I don't know what the outcome will be. Right now, being 4,000 and something miles away, it doesn't quite feel as real. But in a few weeks, I'm going to be thrown right into it, and it's going to be REAL, and I am not going to know exactly what to do. And that is a terrifying place. I'm probably going to be very vulnerable, which is still sometimes hard for me, but something I've been working on this year. So in that respect, I don't know what the next few months, or even years, are going to look like, but I am accepting the challenge. I'm just going to have to trust that, one way or another, we're all going to come out okay on the other side of this.

Manchester Remembers...

Manchester Remembers. It's a phrase I've seen a lot of today. It took a few minutes to click, but then I remembered. A year ago today, a terrorist set off a bomb in the Manchester Arena, killing himself and 22 others, as they were leaving an Ariana Grande concert. There were quite a few events around Manchester today in remembrance. I have lived in Manchester for almost 9 months now, and it is one of the most interesting and best places that I have ever lived. The people that I have met are wonderful, and I enjoy seeing the worker bee symbol, literally, everywhere. The worker bee symbol showed up during the Industrial Revolution in the 19th century, but since last year it has become a symbol for unity and strength. A year ago I didn't yet know that I would be living in Manchester. I knew I would be somewhere in The United Kingdom, but two days after the attack I found out that the church where I am working now wanted to interview me, and then in early June I got the official word. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the attack last year, it's hard losing loved ones in any circumstance, but I can't imagine the pain of losing someone to such a horrible act of violence. From what I have experienced, Manchester knows how to pull together, and I love it here, and it will be very hard to leave. Manchester Remembers, and I will remember Manchester.

Mary, the Mother of Jesus

Last night, May 6th, at St. Chrysostom's Church, we had an evening celebrating Mary, the Mother of Jesus. It was really interesting, because in the Lutheran church, we talk about Mary a bit, when the angel Gabriel comes to make his big life-altering announcement and then she's mentioned a few other times in the Gospels, but other than that, she pretty much fades into the background, so I've never really known a lot about her. In some Anglican churches here, Mary is a central figure, and in the church where I work, the month of May is referred to as Mary's month. Having an entire evening devoted to her was a new thing for me, but it was a lovely service, and I did get to hide behind the altar table and run the slideshow, and no one even knew I was back there until the end, when Father Ian, in his thank you's, announced that I had been the one running the slideshow :) So it was interesting to know why Mary is revered more in some denominations, and I'm glad I got to be a part of that.