Loneliness, Ghosts, and Facing the Unknown

Yesterday my Nuns moved back to the Convent of the Holy Name in Derby (Pronounced Darby. British English does spelling weird sometimes.) We found out a couple of months ago that it was going to be happening, but it was still hard to say goodbye to them yesterday morning, even though I am going to go see them in Derby before I leave. It was hard to go back home last night, knowing that the house would be empty, knowing that neither one of my Nuns would not be in the kitchen cooking or otherwise puttering around when I got home, to ask me about my day, and commenting on how they think that I am overworked :) Knowing that they wouldn't be in the TV room, watching the news, or in the sitting room with visitors, or in their Chapel, praying, or wandering about upstairs in their rooms. It was lonely last night, and it was lonely this morning, when I was heading out the door and they weren't in their chapel praying, or sitting at the kitchen table telling me to have a good day as I grabbed an apple and ran out the door. I don't usually mind having alone time, being an introvert, I often need alone time after being around groups of people. However, it is nice knowing that other people are around, if I need them, or if they need me. There's a difference in being alone in your room, but sharing a house with other people, then there is in the aloneness that comes from being completely alone. However, I may or may not have mentioned before that there are ghosts that live in my house. Two of them, named Esther and Edna. I can't see them, but I hear them in the upstairs hallway, talking about matching hand towels, but last night, when I was getting ready for bed, I overheard a very different conversation between the two of them. At least, I'm pretty sure it was them. The voices sounded the same, but maybe there are other ghosts that I didn't notice before.

"The Sisters are gone." 
"Yes."
"That's sad. They were nice."
"Maybe we should work out moving on."
"Yes. When the girl goes, we'll go."

By the way, I think I'm the girl :) Anytime I've tried to engage them in conversation, including last night, I have gotten no response, which is sad, because I want to know more about them, such as, why they are in my upstairs hallway discussing the importance of matching hand towels all the time? I think the Sisters leaving caused a shift, or something, leading to this new conversation. We'll see what happens.

Also, in just less than six weeks. I will be flying home. In some areas, I know exactly what will be happening in my life. I have a pretty solid idea of where I will be working when I get home. I now know exactly what I want to do with my future. I know how I want to make it happen. However, there is one unknown variable. When I get home, I'll be helping my Mom in her fight against cancer. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, it's going to be different every day, I've never done this before, and I don't know what the outcome will be. Right now, being 4,000 and something miles away, it doesn't quite feel as real. But in a few weeks, I'm going to be thrown right into it, and it's going to be REAL, and I am not going to know exactly what to do. And that is a terrifying place. I'm probably going to be very vulnerable, which is still sometimes hard for me, but something I've been working on this year. So in that respect, I don't know what the next few months, or even years, are going to look like, but I am accepting the challenge. I'm just going to have to trust that, one way or another, we're all going to come out okay on the other side of this.

Manchester Remembers...

Manchester Remembers. It's a phrase I've seen a lot of today. It took a few minutes to click, but then I remembered. A year ago today, a terrorist set off a bomb in the Manchester Arena, killing himself and 22 others, as they were leaving an Ariana Grande concert. There were quite a few events around Manchester today in remembrance. I have lived in Manchester for almost 9 months now, and it is one of the most interesting and best places that I have ever lived. The people that I have met are wonderful, and I enjoy seeing the worker bee symbol, literally, everywhere. The worker bee symbol showed up during the Industrial Revolution in the 19th century, but since last year it has become a symbol for unity and strength. A year ago I didn't yet know that I would be living in Manchester. I knew I would be somewhere in The United Kingdom, but two days after the attack I found out that the church where I am working now wanted to interview me, and then in early June I got the official word. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the attack last year, it's hard losing loved ones in any circumstance, but I can't imagine the pain of losing someone to such a horrible act of violence. From what I have experienced, Manchester knows how to pull together, and I love it here, and it will be very hard to leave. Manchester Remembers, and I will remember Manchester.

Mary, the Mother of Jesus

Last night, May 6th, at St. Chrysostom's Church, we had an evening celebrating Mary, the Mother of Jesus. It was really interesting, because in the Lutheran church, we talk about Mary a bit, when the angel Gabriel comes to make his big life-altering announcement and then she's mentioned a few other times in the Gospels, but other than that, she pretty much fades into the background, so I've never really known a lot about her. In some Anglican churches here, Mary is a central figure, and in the church where I work, the month of May is referred to as Mary's month. Having an entire evening devoted to her was a new thing for me, but it was a lovely service, and I did get to hide behind the altar table and run the slideshow, and no one even knew I was back there until the end, when Father Ian, in his thank you's, announced that I had been the one running the slideshow :) So it was interesting to know why Mary is revered more in some denominations, and I'm glad I got to be a part of that.

Thoughts and Stuff

A year ago today, I had just found out that I was going to be serving in the United Kingdom this year, I had just officially met almost everyone in the YAGM United Kingdom group, and I was standing by a pond discussing The Chronicles of Narnia with Grace, who I had just met. It was our first conversation ever, and it was actually before either of us knew that we were both going to be living in Manchester this year. We then left the pond, got taken to whichever airport we were flying out of, I got on a plane back to Montana and started the process of trying to figure out what this year was going to mean for me, personally.

I'm not really sure when I decided that I was going to learn how to be more vulnerable this year, but that has been happening. Tomorrow marks eight months since I arrived here, and it's been great. I've made friends, and learned new things, and I've been opening up, mostly with my YAGM United Kingdom cohort, about things like depression and things. Homesickness has never really been an issue for me. I mean, sure, I miss the people and places that I am familiar with, but I know that I am going to see them again, and return to them eventually, so it's not a big issue. However, most of you know that my Mom has been recently diagnosed with cancer, so I am feeling kind of torn at the moment. I know that it's not practical to feel guilty, I know that she has a good support system at home and I know that I will be back home in three months from today, on July 23rd, but it is hard being so far away from home right now. But I have faith that everything is going to turn out okay. 

Vulnerability is an interesting experience. It's scary, and I still am not very good at it, in situations where I am supposed to share my feelings I am usually one of the last ones, if not THE last one to do so, but I also have less secrets, which is freeing. Going home is going to be interesting. I am the same in a lot of ways, but I am also different in a lot of ways, so we'll see how that plays out. A year ago today I could not even begin to imagine what my life here was going to look like, and here I am with three months left. So if you need be, I'll be over here in Manchester, keeping things interesting :) 

Easter

Easter is one of my favorite times of year. Jesus risen from the dead! We get to say "Alleluia!" again. We get to sing happy songs again. We get to do the things that we gave up for Lent again. And....chocolate for days! And bright colors. And flowers. And also bunnies. And spring time. Easter gives me hope. It's important. And Jesus rising from the dead is kind of a big deal :)

Jesus

I find Jesus fascinating. I find some of the things that some people do in the name of Christianity totally hypocritical. Jesus died for our sins. Jesus was friends with everyone. He was friends with tax collectors, and prostitutes, and other kinds of people. I can't say for sure, but I am pretty sure that Jesus wasn't caucasian, he was Jewish, and he was also like, "Love your neighbors as yourself." And I am pretty sure that referred to ALL the neighbors, not just "certain neighbors", but ALL the neighbors. I try to lead a life worthy of following Jesus. I fail more than I succeed, but someday, maybe, I'll get there.

Life

Life is a beautiful, chaotic mystery. It is amazing and sometimes it tears me apart. It is a contradiction. Sometimes it makes sense. Most of the time it doesn't make sense. There is a difference between living and existing. I choose to LIVE.