My Baby Sister

3 1/2 months short of 22 years ago, my little sister, Jessica, was born. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, but sometimes she is nice to me, and I know that she loves me, and I love her.

The Importance of Grace in My Life

Sometimes things happen, and someone says to me, "You just have to give yourself some grace." So I think to myself, "I have a friend named Grace, I wonder if that counts?" :) My friend Grace is a rock star. It's really weird to think that at this time last year, I didn't even know her. I didn't even know that she existed in the world. It just proves that God has a way of placing people in our lives at the right time, because this year Grace and I are YAGMs in the the United Kingdom, and we both live in Manchester. Grace has actually become one of my seven best friends. I appreciate her so much. She's always willing to listen to my nonsense, gives me a hug when I need one, understands me when I don't make sense, or when I am being incredibly vague. She's also very logical, which is good, because I am sometimes logical and sometimes the opposite of logical. Illogical? Unlogical? One of those :). She also has this way with words, I can't really describe it, but I wish I was that good with words. She just always makes my heart happy, and I am always grateful for every moment we get to spend together. She always reminds me of my value when I am feeling not valuable, and she always listens to my nonsense :) I am blessed to have her in my life, there's no one I would rather be doing Manchester with this year. A year ago I didn't know her, but now I can't imagine my life without her. So when someone says to me, "Give yourself some grace..." I know how to do that, and I also have Grace ❤️

Grandma

My Grandma is my greatest role model. She is literally everywhere. I mean, you never know where you'll find her, The Food Pantry, The Thrift Store, Church, serving a funeral dinner, on a servant trip, a family gathering, or at home, sewing, quilting, knitting, baking, or taking a nap, because when she sits down, she falls asleep :) She is the most compassionate and amazing woman that I know, and if I can be even 10% of the woman that she is, that would be great :) Everyone should be so blessed to have a Grandma as wonderful as mine :)

Mom

My Mom is incredibly important to me. She is the first person that I met, and the person that I have known the longest. She's not perfect, but she's a good person. She hasn't had an easy life, because she did have to raise me... :) I love her and wouldn't trade her for anything. I am forever grateful for her.

Dust and Ashes

"Remember that you are dust. And to dust you shall return." I've heard those words every year for 29 years now. The words remind me that I am not in control of how long I am on this Earth for. So I have to take every chance at adventure that I can. I have to LIVE my life, every day. I have to let everyone that I love know that they are loved by me. During Lent, starting tomorrow, I'll be posting in my blog about the people and things that give my life meaning. So...follow along.

On a Dark Winter's Night....

On a dark winter's night, the Rector, the Churchwarden, the Sacristan, Val, and I, went outside to a secluded part of the church grounds, and buried something in a hole.....that sentence probably sounds like the beginning of a horror story, but it's not. Last night, after Vespers, we colored a poster of the word "Alleluia". Father Ian, my supervisor, then took the "Alleluia" poster, rolled it up like a scroll, stuck it in a jar, and then we took a spade, we went out to the church herb garden, Alan the Churchwarden dug a hole, and we buried the jar under the rosemary. You may be wondering why we did that. We did that, because the season of Lent begins on Wednesday. Lent is the period of 40 days leading up to Easter that you aren't allowed to say or sing "Alleluia" at church, and the songs are sad and depressing. It's always a good time for reflection, and some people give up things for Lent, such as chocolate, alcohol, social media, complaining, and other things. We have the same tradition in the Lutheran Church where I grew up, about not saying "Alleluia" during Lent, and sad and depressing songs, but I have never actually been part of a ceremony like last night's. I am learning and experiencing all kinds of things over here, and I am thankful for every moment.

February 3rd

At any given moment you have the power to say, "This is not how my story is going to end."

So, I am writing this a few days after the date that I mention in the title. I wasn't actually going to write about this at all, but there was a funeral at the church this morning, and it made me think about things. The man whose life we were celebrating was 89, and his family and friends were here for it, and it was obvious that he had made a big impact on their lives, which is how I am hoping I am living my life.

February 3rd is a significant day in my life. I had dinner with a friend of mine last Saturday, February 3rd, and I explained the significance, but I am pretty sure that I explained in the vaguest way possible, so this post is going to be much less vague. There are some things that I mention that could be triggering for some people, so just be aware of that.

On February 3rd, 2008, I was at my darkest point. I was living in Missoula, Montana, and that night I had gone for a walk, and I found myself on a bridge. There was a river running underneath of it. I was in a lot of pain, emotionally, and I couldn't see beyond it. I was 19 years old, and I wanted it to stop. I felt like a burden to everyone, and I thought that everyone's  life would be better without me. So at that moment, I had two choices. I was either going to give up on my life, and jump off that bridge into the river below, or I was going to walk back to my dorm room, and continue my life. Considering that I am sitting here, just a few days past the ten year anniversary of that night, I think that the choice that I ended up making is obvious, and I'm glad that I made the choice that I did.

If I had given up on my life that night, I would not have met any of the amazing people that I have met since then. I would not have seen my younger sister graduate from high school. I would not be living in The United Kingdom right now. I still deal with depression, I deal with insecurity. I still feel like a burden sometimes, and I have been working on allowing myself to be vulnerable, and to talk about my feelings, and I have been trying to not apologise for my feelings. I have been working on trying to convince myself that I don't need to be needed, or useful, to be worthy of love. Sometimes it's still hard to get out of bed in the morning, but there are a lot of good days, and there are so many good things about my life, and there are so many good people in my life, people who love me. It's been 10 years. 10 years and 3 days, and I am still here, living my life.